Killing Time

I haven't written for about a week now, and contrary to what I had told myself about posting structured blog entries only, I have succumbed to the pressures of work, fatigue, and lack of time and am writing free-style now.

So I'll take a moment to contemplate fun. I think my previous entries may have painted me, as the Peanut Gallery, as a most un-fun entity. I rail against frivolity, mindlessness, conformity, news as entertainment, and even poor Khadra's moral confusion. But I am not against fun, and these days, having fun is the main thing on my mind.

I think my preoccupation with fun has to do with this frustration that my husband and I always work so hard at our careers and lives, amass wealth and success, but when we finally try to apply some of that wealth to having some fun, our plans are often foiled. Either because we're too tired, or some weird happening of nature screws up our day, we end up attending lavish dinners and grand stage productions but, in the end, just feel like going home, pulling on our PJs, and eating pizza in front of the tube. The more we plan "fun", the more it ends up being totally not so.

And, of course, in the ways of the Peanut Gallery, I can't help but generalize this foiled fun to some larger concept. Like the purpose of life. Since my father's passing, I have been faced - and sometimes accosted - with the question of mortality and I've often answered it with total complacency. We work, eat, sleep, spend time with the family, attempt to grow spiritually, and then we die. 'Tis life in all its glory. Sure, there's beauty and intrinsic worth in the family and spirituality part of it, and maybe even in the education and career part of it. But ultimately, it seems like we all follow a formula, or struggle to find a pattern in our lives. Unless we can transcend that struggle long enough to glimpse what lies beyond, it seems like life, and all that we do, can end up being a constant attempt at killing time. We work to kill time. We play to kill time. We just kill time .. until time is up.

Ok, I think I've managed to ruin the fun again.